Why America beats the snot out of Korea

When I was in Korea a week or two ago, there were a couple punk kids sitting across the room at Pizza School, the get-together for all the local gangs. There was some show going on the TV about Korean independence, and, without so much as considering that perhaps some white people can speak Korean, one of these LOL-saturated punks launched into a tirade of anti-Americanism. Of course, I could have told him that I understood every word he said, but I decided to listen to his turdiness. His rant went a little something like this:

"Yeah, America would be super easy to take. All we have to do is fly over, find their tallest mountain, send in a plane with a few guys, and stick the Korean flag in it. No, I don't know where that mountain is, but it can't be too hard to find, I mean, it's a mountain, right. Naw, don't mind those two white guys, they don't understand what I'm speaking. Do they look Korean? Anyway, America. You know what their problem is...?"

And so it went.

Now, as you can all tell from the American flag tattooed on the bottom of my left heel, I LOVE AMERICA. So today, I want to reflect on all the reasons we could beat Korea.

1. Everyone in this country has a gun.

In Korea, nobody carries guns. Not even to Walmart. They don't even have Walmart! In America, we are armed to the teeth, no matter where we go.

2. We have a much cooler flag than the Koreans.

The flag is the emblem of a country, the mouthpiece of patriotism. The American flag is deeply filled with meaningful symbolism. 13 Colonies? 13 stripes. 50 states? Let's put 50 stars on that sucker. The Korean flag, on the other hand?

Look at this thing. What's represented on here? Some yin-yang deal and a bunch of poorly-broken twix bars. They even stole our colors. The most valuable thing about this flag is as an example on how to avoid symmetry. 

3. Our soldiers are more well-trained. 

You know what Koreans do? League of Legends. You know what you do in League of Legends? Honestly, I don't know either, but I know something something monster fight magic. You know what American teenagers do? They cuss each other out on Call of Duty. That teaches all Americans, from the time they're 11, all vital skills they will need to keep America great.In addition, all those hours blasting Nazi Zombies contribute to an increased immunity to the effects of Mountain Dew. If we can survive that, we can certainly survive a Korean invasion.

AMERICA IS THE BEST